How Cheeky would have gotten the Ever Given out


Hope Rasa

We at Cheeky think our ideas are pretty smart. Art by Hope Rasa.

Kellen Hoard, Co-Editor-in-Chief

The massive cargo ship Ever Given made global news in late March when it got stuck in the Suez Canal, blocking hundreds of other ships and costing the global economy an estimated $400 million each hour for the six days it remained there. The incident was terribly disruptive to world supply chains, so it was a relief for many when Egyptian authorities were able to free the ship via a combination of tug boats and dredging. However, we at Cheeky, while also relieved, were somewhat disappointed that the Ever Given was freed in that particular way. When the ship first got stuck, we had reached out to Egyptian authorities with our own proposals for fixing the problem. Clearly, they were ignored. Because of our disappointment and continued belief that they would have worked, we wanted to share our ideas with the world now that the Suez Canal is once again unblocked.  


Idea 1: Dig a New Canal

We strongly endorsed the idea of just digging a new canal. It would’ve been pretty easy. When the Suez Canal was built, it only took forced labor, a decade, and around 120,000 laborer deaths. But that was 1859; we are in the 21st century! With modern technology, we estimate a new canal would only take nine years to complete. Plus, with two canals, the Ever Given problem would never occur again. Cheeky would have been happy to donate its entire budget* to the construction of a new waterway, but the Egyptian authorities were evidently unswayed by our superior proposal.  


Idea 2: Turn the Boat

We are still pretty confused why nobody thought of this.  


Ideas 3: Ask God(s), Spirits, Beyoncé, Etc. for Help

We ascribe to no particular religions, beliefs, or morals at Cheeky, but it makes sense to us to just ask a higher power to free the ship.  Whether you believe in one god, multiple gods, other spiritual beings, or none of the above and simply want to pray to Queen B herself, it is definitely worth a shot asking help from the highest being.  Even though the Ever Given was supposedly freed without any divine intervention, we noticed that Beyoncé was conspicuously absent on the day the ship began sailing once more.


Egypt claims that the Ever Given cost the country $1 billion in damages; if only they had followed our advice and just turned the boat, that may not have been the case.  While we are disappointed in Egypt’s decision, we at Cheeky are fully prepared to assist other nations in the future if they encounter problems, including but not limited to big boats.    


Disclaimer: We at Cheeky do not condone calling up on deities if you have malicious intent.  If you choose to ask a higher power for something evil, Cheeky cannot be held liable.  We particularly do not condone anyone wasting Beyonce’s time with trivial requests.