DECLASSIFIED: Cheeky’s top-secret back-to-school survival checklist

So, the time has come. The metaphorical “Iron Curtain” has descended as September dawns before us. While your friends went shopping for overpriced school supplies, you remained wide-eyed and vigilant of the future that crawls ever closer. So if you’re worried about the start of the school year, worry not! Take a look at Cheeky’s Top Secret Back-To-School Survival Checklist, now declassified for your viewing pleasure. Once you read it, we at Cheeky will dub thee ready for the 2019-2020 school year!


Art by Sonya Sheptunov

  1. Experience extreme senioritis, regardless of whether or not you’re a senior. If you play your cards right, it should hit the first day of freshman year. 
  2. Sign a dance contract for Homecoming because otherwise, once you start dancing you legally can’t stop. You’ll be dancing your way to a courtroom. Literally.
  3. See your friends! (That’s it. Literally just go see your friends. We at Cheeky encourage bonding with your brethren. Bonus points if you form a cult.)
  4. Get confused by the new block schedule for the 13th time, and then be ready for the schedule to change all over again. 
  5. Register for the December SAT because you were too lazy to do it before (You’ve procrastinated enough). 
  6. Join one of the many clubs we offer at Inglemoor. Wait… we don’t have club time anymore. Disregard this entirely and find another way to become a “well-rounded” student. 
  7. Inhale an immense amount of caffeine in whatever form you prefer. Trust us, you’ll need it when you start studying for your next history test. Your caffeine dependence (which was always inevitable) begins now.
  8. Write 13 college essays minutes before they’re due (Bonus points if you wait until the last minute to ask for any letters of recommendation). 
  9. Binge watch Stranger Things on Netflix. For one, it’ll make your inevitable mid-English class Shakespeare-insinuated naps all the more entertaining (There’s nothing like dozing off during Romeo and Juliet only to find out that Romeo was lusting after a demogorgon all along). Plus staying up late will ensure you feeling red-eyed and frizzy-haired the next morning. 
  10. Get rid of your juul if you have one. Security is tight at this club.


Once you’ve done all these things (or some of them, at least), we guarantee that you’ll have the greatest school year of all time. Or the worst school year. Probably the worst. Only history puns can save you. We at Cheeky are very sorry. Please don’t take any of our advice.