Cheeky’s guide to friendship

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Alex Haworth, Managing Editor

Ah, mid October. Everyone has settled into the routine of school, or at least are faking it in an elaborate scheme to make you question your own sanity. Either way, things are settling down, and it’s time to decide who will have the “honor” of serving in your friend group, which is sure to last the rest of your life. Cheeky’s here to guide you through the highly selective process by sorting all 1,800 Vikings into five statistically validated categories.

 

The perfect person

If you’ve got rock solid self-esteem, then by all means, befriend the perfect person, who is somehow better than you at everything you do! They definitely have perfect grades and probably are doing all of the same hobbies as you are, just slightly better. Either they’re truly that great, or they’ve been sent to destroy what little remains of your dignity. Play it safe and be prepared for either scenario. Just in case.

 

The cool kid

This is the kid who’s on every sports team and is seemingly friends with everyone. You know the one. Their biceps are probably the size of your head, you’ve never seen them lose at rock-paper-scissors, and they could definitely walk a mile through 90 mph winds and still have flawless hair. They’re so much cooler than you, talking to them seems like it’d be an attack on your limited self-esteem. In fact, don’t even try approaching them. You’re not ready for that.

 

The creepy guy

You know that feeling you get sometimes that you’re being watched? That’s not paranoia (probably), it’s just the creepy guy from your English class! He can only be spotted out of the corner of your eye, and if you’re really quiet, you can hear his heavy breathing following you. We at cheeky would recommend avoiding this type of friend, but frankly it’s just not possible. Good luck.

 

The mysterious type

Three weeks into school, there’s still that one classmate that you don’t really know anything about. They greet you in the hallway and they’re the perfect go-to companion for football games, but every once in awhile, they hint at a dark and complex past from their time spent growing up in a conveniently unnamed country. They’re most likely a great life-long companion, as long as you don’t ask too many questions.

 

Your average person

Every class is bound to have one person who’s the epitome of a Viking. In fact, this person is completely average. Everything about them is generic, actually, and their personality doesn’t really extend beyond being a drop of polluted water in the Hudson river. They’d make a great friend, probably. Or, if you’re shy, you could try befriending a piece of paper instead. Or maybe a slice of unbuttered, slightly underdone toast.

 

*This article is purely satire. Please, do not attempt to categorize all people based on a few basic characteristics. That would be ridiculous. We do not recommend use of this guide for determining friendships. We can recommend, however, that you avoid friendship with Chad. We at Cheeky are sorry.