In an unimaginable future one year from now that we at Cheeky have imagined, the United States is a barren wasteland. The rest of the world is the same, but as typical Americans, we don’t really care. We have been providing refuge for those who join our Cheeky society. A group of celebrities have come together to face the wilds while gigantic, destructive and very emotional monsters scour the city for new friends. Below are a few glimpses into our future a year from now, so that we can all better prepare.
Good luck.
These are troubled times. With the United States in ruins, where are you, the reader, supposed to turn? If this message has reached you, join us at Cheeky! We’re camped out in the great remains of Inglemoor High School. We can provide high quality cafeteria food, shelter in the teacher’s lounge—but not in our outdoor hallways—and protection utilizing our dangerous golf cart. Plus, warm and gooey cookies (the best kind of cookies) courtesy of DECA, who we will force to serve you, our valued recruit. Cheeky isn’t just the last remaining safe haven in the country; it’s the future, and you will be part of it. Together, we will rebuild society in our image. We should note: if you are not with us, then you are against us. And if you’re against us, we will use the golf cart. Also, you won’t have any cookies.
Celebrities have had to fight tooth and nail to survive out here. The U.S. dollar has lost all value, so they had to find worth elsewhere. There have been several reports of a group of famous people roaming the outskirts of Kenmore like ghosts of a past era. The moment these B- and C-listers caught wind of Kenmore Camera and the last potential Daily Mail headline opportunities, the celebs had to do what they do best: cause chaos. The following hacks have been seen wandering aimlessly together, chasing an audience that’s no longer here: Jimmy Fallon, James Corden, Kim Kardashian, Ted Cruz, J.K. Rowling and Elon Musk. A team of Cheeky members attempted to approach the group, but the celebrities caught their scent upwind and disappeared into the woods. If you should come across them, interact at your own risk.
Racklerimps are terrifying, biologically engineered creatures who terrorize the night sky with their cries and wails. They were brought about by genetic meddling, when a chicken was fused with Village People reject Vice Principal Shawn Rainwater. Needless to say, it’s quite the deadly combo. Don’t ask who made them, because it wasn’t us. If you ever accuse us of this, we will force you to spend the rest of your days in the theater bathroom.
Disclaimer: We at Cheeky may have lied to you, our valued recruit, about this future never happening. Because it very well could. So if you want our advice, you better start stocking up on meat for the apocalypse just in case.
