Applying some Cheek to college

Ahh, early onset senioritis is in the air, and it’s making your motivation to start college apps plummet into the abyss of Netflix and Cheeto fingers. No need to worry, because Cheeky has curated a special guide, a 100% proven guarantee*, to get you into the college of your dreams.

Where to apply

The factors below are important to keep in mind when crafting your list of academic institutions to spend your life, healthy habits and entire savings at.


Rachel Lawson

Consider cool and open spaces to learn – like glaciers. But apply quickly, because the housing market (among other things) is heating up at an alarming rate.


Unless your family owns a couple gold mines or you have a keen knack for laundering money, be prepared to break out that TI-83 and into a sweat. We at Cheeky recommend putting off this thought until the IRS knocks at (and/or down) your door.

Area of Study

You should be applying to schools that help you pursue your true passions. If you enjoy listening to old goat sounds, looking aimlessly at memes on your phone and avoiding physical activity, congrats! These are signs of a genius – YALE WANTS YOU.

Trouble finding a field to go into? Cheeky has you covered! Here are some hobbies you can turn into careers:

• Doodling in your math journal → Art

• Cleaning up after yourself in the cafeteria → Human Rights

• Seen a single episode of “Grey’s Anatomy” → Medical Research

• Is the kid everyone looks at when PowerPoint is down → Computer Science

• Waking up on time → You don’t need to go to college – you’ve peaked.

Ultimately, many students find the University of Washington to be a local reputable school. You can arrive there via bandwagon!

How to apply

The college essay is a student’s opportunity to share their story and personify their report card and test scores into a real, frankly boring, person! For many of you, you’ll feel obligated to downplay a relatively privileged life to make it sound like you actually struggled. Cheeky does not recommend this, but knowing we can’t stop you, here are some example sob stories that college admissions officers won’t be able to look past:

• The school wifi doesn’t connect to your phone? You, likely a Generation Z kid, can use the power of hyperbole to weave that minor inconvenience into a whole tapestry of anguish.

• Couldn’t get a breakthrough rapping on SoundCloud? Colleges feel you and your sick beats.

• Raised your hand for a high five and was left hanging? Write an essay about your life of rejection and solitude.

• Your favorite movie streaming service won’t let you keep making fake emails for the free trial? This profit-maximizing scheme has stripped you and your fellow students of free will! Write an essay demanding a revolution, and it’s guaranteed that the college of your choice will sympathize.

*Disclaimer: Cheeky has successfully helped admit a reader into a school of magicianry at the local community rec center. If you’re here for actual college advice, we recommend the college counseling legend Mary Buckner herself. Or perhaps a friendly neighborhood scholar. We at Cheeky are sorry and in much future college debt.