Cheeky’s guide to surviving the suburban wilderness

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  1. High school is all about being at the top of the pack. Show your alpha status by boasting the largest antlers and dueling all who would dare to oppose you.
  2. To improve your chances of surviving until graduation, you must camouflage yourself. Conform to others’ expectations and think just like everyone else. That way, NOBODY will notice you.
  3. To find companionship, win over other students with your charisma, personality and small gifts of food and/or notes.
  4. Water from the jungle often grows stagnant and becomes unsafe for consumption, except for at the watering hole. Keep yourself safe by drinking directly from the water bottle spout in the cafeteria.
  5. To keep potential threats such as friends away, use your mixtape as a repellent. No one’s going to touch that.
  6. High school is a jungle: there’s lots of different types of people, and it can be a little overwhelming. To adjust better, immerse yourself by climbing everything you see, bringing a machete and fighting anyone who gets in your way.
  7. A great way to make friends is by finding things that you have in common. This allows you to bond while also realizing that you’re not as special as you thought you were.
  8. Watch out for the green doors! They’re the alpha predators and they WILL find you.

 

This article is purely satire. Following this advice is not recommended, unless you really think you’re ready to face the jungle. In that case, good luck, and we at Cheeky are sorry.