Meet Chadwick (Chad)

Hometown: Beige, Wyoming

Current Occupation: Influencer. That’s right, he spreads the flu. What a sick dude.

Political alignment: A member of the Green-Tea Party, which doubles as a book club on Tuesdays.

Qualifications

– Mayor of his town on Club Penguin

– Met Obama’s cousin at a grocery store

– Winner of several participation awards

– On a first name basis with important civil servants (i.e. the mailman)

Stances

Guns: When asked this question, Chad flexed his very prominent muscles, and said, “you can’t ban these bad boys,” before walking away.

Climate change: The entire United States military budget will go into air conditioners to independently cool the Earth down.

Immigration: While the debate continues about the wall on the US-Mexico border, Chad would like to direct the conversation toward the US-Canada border, as the recent influx of northern geese during the warm spring season has made his weekends at the park quite unsatisfactory. Chad is anti-geese. He has yet to comment on ducks and other waterfowl.

Campaign Finances: Chad refuses to believe in the concept of money. Once elected, Chad vows to return the United States to a trade and barter system. Chad’s campaign is also entirely funded by donations from Chad’s mom.

Disclaimer: This article is purely satire. Be advised that your vote will do nothing to either secure or prevent the election of Chad. He cannot be stopped. We at Cheeky are sorry.