Letter to the editor,

While I understand that a letter to the editor has certain conventions, I will absolutely disregard them for the sake of this response. The paper is intended to address the lives and needs of the students. Students always complain about being unhappy or stressed. I have a single “suggestion” for the school that would fix all the issues of student moral. The answer is the most wholesome and heartwarming food imaginable: Dino Chicken Nuggets! This delightful delicacy makes anyone not inclined toward vegetarianism or (god forbid) veganism full of a ravenous hunger. This fabulous food fills everyone’s heart with mirth and can thaw any sadness. This fantastically filling food has the capacity to fill everyone with joy and it relieves stress like a relaxing weekend. Such a meal simply offered for lunch, could increase student productivity tenfold. I dearly hope that the school will consider this modest proposal for the greater gain of all students.

Thanks for listening,
An anonymous high school senior 

Dear Reader,

Thank you for bringing us some much needed food for thought. We at Cheeky, while unable to implement these changes ourselves (due to a certain lack of willpower and authority), agree with your presented benefits of Dino Chicken Nuggets to the student body. We would like to supplement your proposal with our own ideas to appeal to the school board. Please consider the following suggestions:

• When writing your proposal, make sure you radiate professionalism in every sense. Stick to 12 point font size in order to refrain from appearing “too eager,” as size 13 starts to get a little obnoxious. If you’re feeling fun and bold, a stately Curlz MT, a dash of Papyrus or straight-up Comic Sans should get your point across.

• The district makes a conscientious effort to prioritize inclusivity in every aspect of a student’s life. As you noted, dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets exclude vegans, so to accommodate for them, please add plant shaped chicken nuggets to your proposal.

• You can also boost the educational appeal of these nuggets by dubbing the different species’ shapes “STEM-osaurus” or “Velocity Raptor.” You could even throw in a “Thesaurus” if you’re desperate.

• We live in an age where we must be conscious of our carbon footprint. Be sure to mention that diverting the use of fossil fuels (which are essentially made from dinosaur schmuck) into fueling American children will reduce carbon emissions more so than any smart car or solar panel could.

• Most importantly, stay in touch with the board. In order to demonstrate your willingness to communicate, your passion and readiness to take action, email the school board every day asking if they’ve read your proposal yet. Sometimes one email simply isn’t enough and it might help to send a minimum of three emails a day, but no more than four.

We wish you the best of luck in your tasty endeavors.

Love,

Cheeky <3

This article is purely satire. While the authors may personally enjoy the occasional Jurassic themed meal, it may not be appropriate to impose on the school board. Those guys probably have otherly shaped foods to worry about anyway. We at Cheeky are sorry.