Hug all the trees in the Seattle Metropolitan Area. Do a check-in: are they oakay? Remember, this is you consoling the Earth in her final years.
Throw your trash off the ends of the Earth because we all know it’s flat anyway.
Put the fossil fuels back into the ground so they can become dinosaurs again.
Cut down on water bottle waste by buying thousands of plastic bottles so no one can throw them away.
The world is already overpopulated; have plants instead of children.
Move into a treehouse to reduce your carbon footprint. Build it out of plastic to save trees.
Grandfather’s funeral today? Better not slaughter any innocent flowers. Express your sympathies with an e-card instead. Or maybe a groupon for hot yoga.
*This article is purely satire. If you truly care about mother earth, please, do not accept any of this sage advice. The planet is dying and we are sad. We at Cheeky are sorry.
