As Nordic’s most reputable reporter, Cheeky believes it is of the utmost importance to alert society to the egregious crimes of Saint Nicholas, colloquially known as Santa Claus. According to intel from our sources around the world, Santa poses as a benevolent spirit who grants children around the world their Christmas wishes. However, this facade is merely an alibi for his deeper, more sinister intentions.
Let us start with the obvious crime: breaking and entering. In what sort of situation is it appropriate for a fully grown adult to enter the houses of sleeping children without consent, creep around their living rooms and leave unknown items disguised in brightly-colored wrapping? If the idealistic myth of Santa Claus had not been so widely accepted, such behavior would surely be seen as threatening. It is even more alarming that parents encourage their children to view Santa as a positive figure, but it is understandable — they themselves learned the same. We can slap generational indoctrination onto the list of Santa’s crimes.
Santa is also known for storming across the globe in a single night, exhibiting clear animal cruelty law violations. Those poor reindeer—they must be exhausted! There is no record of Santa ever training these reindeer to endure this long marathon, either. In fact, the popular song, “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” indicates that Rudolph was chosen for no other reason than his bright nose. Santa did not take into consideration Rudolph’s athleticism or general health at all! Santa’s behavior towards the animals under his care crosses the line from negligence to abuse.
Santa is also charged for unpaid wages, unsafe working conditions, and forced labor. Based on an investigative journalism report, elves work 364 days a year, dawn to dusk with no pay and only meager helpings of Santa’s favorite cookies (those with allergies are out of luck). They are surrounded by rickety machines and dilapidated walls of the ancient factory. The icy tundra of the North Pole is so blinding that not a single person has actually managed to lay eyes on Santa’s workshop. Naturally, factory regulation officers haven’t been able to investigate it either. Any renovations that might happen would be OSHA unapproved and would rely on elf labor, even though those elves are working through forced labor!
As the elves start their singular blessed day of rest on the night of Christmas Eve, Santa decides to add airspace regulation infringements and reckless driving to the list of his felonies. He drives his sleigh haphazardly and roams the sky with the grace of a newly-licensed 16-year-old in a Jeep, despite his youthful age of 1,700 years. The years have not been kind to him, and he takes his anger out on the sky highway. Belting out his war cry, he maniacally swerves around the night sky, twisting the reins this way and that. Pilots shudder in fear and tighten their hands on their controls. Santa pays no heed to the rising danger, putting all his concentration into ignoring air traffic laws and preying on the poor planes simply trying to go about their business. Think of that 17-hour flight from the U.S. to Australia. Poor Aussies, they’re stuck whimpering in their seats, flinching at every ominous glimpse of red and white, praying it’s not the geriatric menace. The chime of bells haunts them in their nightmares.
Santa Claus may be hailed as the father of Christmas cheer, but the real St. Nicholas isn’t much to celebrate. The question remains, will you wake up on Christmas day to find the signs of a bold intruder? Powdered footprints strewn across the living room floor, a strange parcel innocently sitting under your tree, stockings bursting with candy you didn’t know you loved until that very moment. What else does this mysterious menace know about you? For all you know, he could be in your walls, watching you every second of every day, getting ready to give you that one Bungo Stray Dogs body pillow you’ve been eyeing since March.
We must bring this red-suited fiend to justice, rescue his animals and ensure his workers are provided proper wages and working conditions. His crimes against humans, elves and reindeer have gone on too long!
**Disclaimer: Cheeky is not responsible for any legal action, criminal activities or fits of rage against Santa Claus. Cheeky does not endorse any spontaneous arresting, cancelling of Christmas or interference with Santa Claus’s normal Christmas Eve activities. Seriously, guys, we want our presents. Arrest him on Dec. 26.
