Younger Cousins – “Got any games on your phone..?”

–Problem: We’ve all heard those dreaded words and sighed before peering down and seeing sticky, little-kid hands grabbing for your phone. You know that if you attempt to lie, the child will back you into a corner and demand proof, resulting in them seeing your concerningly large collection of Papa’s Pizzeria knockoff games…

–Solution: The most important thing is to not panic — they can smell fear. Back away slowly. Prepare for this scenario by keeping candy on you at all times. You should reach into your pocket or bag without any sudden movements, and once you’re ready, quickly throw a handful of candy as far away as you can. While they’re busy hunting down the year-old grape jolly ranchers you threw, subtly make your escape. Run far, far away and find a safe location to seek shelter (preferably a bathroom with a lock). You can bide your time there until the demon children find a new victim…

The Grinchy Relative That Hates Christmas –

– Problem: Everyone is trying to make it through the holidays with some fun spirit and holiday cheer! Everyone, that is, except for that one person…You know the one. The one that insists on huffing, puffing, frowning or otherwise disapproving of anything holiday related. They end up draining a bit of everyone’s holiday spirit, and overall dampening the whole gathering.

– Solution: The best thing you can do in this situation is to drown them out. Turn up that Christmas music until it hurts and your ears are near bleeding. Have a pocket full of glitter on hand to blow into their eyes. For drastic situations, feel free to wrap them up in the most festive wrapping paper you can find and add a nice big bow on top. Duct tape might be necessary. Simply place them under the tree and allow everyone to enjoy your lovely gift: some freedom from The Grinch 2.0.

Politically Spicy Uncle –

– Problem: The holidays aren’t complete without the unnecessary commentary on literally everything from that one uncle. Somehow, even the simplest things are now controversial and in dire need of discussion. For example: how the earth is flat and that the idea of a round Earth has been facilitated by the government in order to fuel their extremely lucrative globe industry! This can create awkward, cricket-inducing silences during dinner, and that brings the holiday spirit to a halt.

– Solution: The best bet is to play along. Being the politically bold person that they are, your uncle will be shocked when you agree with him. Let him ramble about his theories as he contradicts himself, telling you that the Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe. If you really want to increase the stun factor, come in with some ideas of your own — ideas even more intense than his. Not only tell him about how the Earth is indeed flat, but also that the moon is actually made of cheese, and that the moon landing was faked by Hollywood to test out their new animation technology. Hopefully, this will stun him into silence, and cause him to quietly contemplate your new conspiracies for the rest of the night.

Invasive Relatives –

– Problem: Your little cousins might not care much about the past year of your life, but you can bet that your overbearing aunts and uncles do. After all, they haven’t seen you in so long – they’re bound to have all sorts of interesting questions! From your driver’s license to college applications to your love life, prepare to have every detail of your high school experience dished up and served with the holiday dinner.

– Solution: Nothing will ward off a nosy relative like a little too much detail. With a little creativity, your life can be a spotlit stage for dramas worthy of Shakespeare. No, you haven’t been able to date since your last lover was eaten by a whale off the Atlantic coast. As for your driver’s license? You’re forbidden to use the family car after you. poured Gatorade into the gas tank. Also, tell them you legally aren’t allowed to comment about college applications, so let’s just say you aren’t allowed within 50 miles of any Ivy League school. While it might not be completely honest, it makes you seem interesting, mysterious, and mostly importantly, someone to stay away from.

Over-Dramatic Cleaning Mom –

– Problem: If you’re looking forward to a stress-free winter break, you’d be best off finding somewhere far, far away to hide when your mom breaks out the vacuum and mops. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself deep-cleaning the floorboards and scrubbing years worth of dust bunnies and old report cards from under your bed.

– Solution: In a dire situation such as this, there’s no harm in telling a little white lie. You did clean that room, you swear! If your mom claims to see lint, garbage or the occasional muddy footprint, it’s clear that the holiday stress has driven her to hallucinate. Put up some scented candles and air fresheners to really give the illusion of cleanliness. By the time she figures out that the house really isn’t spotless, you’ll be gone faster than a Playstation on Black Friday.

Disclaimer: Cheeky does not condone duct taping relatives and wrapping people up or blowing glitter in
anyone’s face. Cheeky cannot be held responsible; try all solutions at your own risk.