Become a jack of all clubs
Look, we get it. You’re panicking because it’s a brand new year and, somehow, your resume is still as blank as your brain was during that last chemistry test. If you’re ready to kiss your free time goodbye, scope your school’s club roster for the clubs that will make college admission officers swoon. With enough classic high school movie speeches and bribing your friends for votes with candy, you could be president of every club! Just like Cheeky was in high school (or so we’ve been told). If clubs aren’t your thing, you could always join a sports team, though we would redirect you to resolution 3 first.
Watch more short-form media
We get it. You can’t get enough of short-form media, your favorite source of reliable information! There’s no better feeling than trying to lock in on that assignment due at 11:59 p.m., and wasting the whole time catching up on the Costco Guys lore. Also, it’s time to delete TikTok, you selfish loser. If you want to be truly amused and support a small local business, check out our critically acclaimed Cheeky stand-up show!
Escape school
Who cares about schoolwork? There’s always time to travel somewhere with obligatory jet lag and sunburns. Personally, our favorite part of traveling is waiting in the TSA line and experiencing the thrill of that weird metal detector that makes you feel like you’re getting held at gunpoint. (Both hands up? Really?) Whatever, it’s all worth it, because who doesn’t love that $450 middle seat next to a crying baby?
Hydrate or die-drate
Now that it’s 2025, you might regret swapping water in favor of Red Bull and Monster Energy for the past year. Your body is begging you to move on from the 7:45 a.m. chemical concoctions and to embrace ice water. After all, experts recommend lugging an outrageously large Stanley with you wherever you go. When you stumble sleep-deprived into first period, the sound of accidentally dropping two pounds of stainless steel will startle you awake more than sugar and caffeine ever could.
Turn D’s into degrees
You spent 2024 saying “I need to lock in” like a broken record while you bought your daily impulse purchases on Temu. Now you think it’s time to make good on your words and become the ultimate academic weapon. Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done, especially since you can barely pass Walking Fitness and have more missing assignments than the cafeteria has uneaten packages of craisins. Make second semester your semester by charming your teachers with bribes — we mean, gifts — and never passing up a chance at extra credit. It may be tedious, but how can you refuse that .005 point increase?
Disclaimer: Cheeky does not assume responsibility for any sudden obsession you might experience with Cheeky stand-up.
