The hot topic this year isn’t prom or parking: it’s portables. Love them or hate them, you can’t deny that they’re popping up faster than you can say “renovations.” The abundance of new construction begs the question: what’s really going on inside those portables? Fortunately, Cheeky was able to sweet-talk their way into the development zone, and we’re ready to spill the inside scoop on each and every building from within.
Bouncy Castle
We confirmed our sky-high suspicions when we saw hard hats sailing above the roofs of the portables. After an anonymous source clued us in on a constant whirring sound, we deduced that this portable really was a bounce house! Cheeky snuck some time into the floor-to-ceiling nylon room to investigate further. Our conclusion? When AP and IB exam season begins, the school could make a killing using this lucrative lifesaver. Stressed-out students would glady fork over the extra $10 for 20 minutes in these. For the purpose of research, we opted to test the product. After a couple hours of carefree bouncing and backflipping, we raced back to class to write this report.
Haunted House
Once our heads stopped spinning from jumping around so much, we ventured onward. Some of the portables are less pleasant than others. Among the countless spiders, we found ghosts! These old phantoms are not the biggest fans of the new portable environment. They much prefer the rotting wood and mildew smell of the old portables, and they’re working hard to transform the new buildings into more familiar territory. To accomplish this, they’re fulfilling the ghost cliché — scaring off trespassers. However, these ghosts are pretty bad actors. They kept missing their jumpscare cues, and the whole place could have really used a fog machine or some fake blood. Overall, we’d give the haunted house experience a five out of 10, throwing in some bonus points for realistic ghost attire. We couldn’t stick around for too long as the ghosts were fairly offended by our mediocre review. When asked for an interview, they declined to comment.
Beehive
When we stumbled out of the haunted house, we were hoping we’d seen the last of the bugs. But when we stepped into this portable, we quickly found ourselves stuck in a knee-deep layer of honey. While initially confused, we soon began looking for Mason jars to bottle up the honey, so we could get our holiday presents dealt with early. We gave up when we were interrupted by the buzzing of countless bees clustered on the ceiling, ready to attack! We booked it out of the beehive as soon as we could shake free. Unfortunately, Cheeky doesn’t have money for a beekeeping suit, so we emerged with a couple more stings than would be preferred. Fortunately, you can treat bee stings with honey, and we were all but covered in it.
Black Hole
We nearly lost our footing when we stepped into this portable. Once we pulled back the scratchy gray carpet, we saw it — a void ready to pull any and all unsuspecting students into the blackness of space! When we took a closer look, we saw that the floor around the black hole was already littered with food wrappers, single AirPods and crumpled-up syllabuses that slowly drifted towards the darkness. With enough tables and chairs, the carpet covers it so well that you would never suspect what was underneath. We’re keeping our fingers crossed, though, that it can survive on a steady diet of Uncrustable packaging and paint peelings until construction finishes. It’s not full yet, but we can tell it’s eager to rip the phone out of the hands of the first freshman who naively attempts to continue their Snapstreak in class next year.
Disclaimer: Cheeky is not responsible for getting anyone’s hopes up that any of these super awesome things really exist on campus. Sorry, guys!
