Point: Classic Oreos are better than golden

The creation of the classic Oreo was the greatest epiphany of man. Society would be in shambles without the lush taste of this cookie.

The flavor of the classic Oreo is flawless. Its perfect chocolate crumbling in your mouth with every bite. The soft filling melts in your mouth, creating a flavor fit for the gods, making the lackluster golden Oreo all the more disappointing. The taste (or lack thereof) of the golden Oreo is little more than the flat, bluntly sweet flavor of vanilla. It tastes as if my mouth stared at the sun for too long, numb from all the sugar. 

The golden Oreo’s white noise of a cookie flavor does nothing to accentuate the cream filling, resulting in a taste of just two distant shades of sugar. The cream’s sweetness should act as a compliment to the cookie, not overload the already sweet vanilla cookie. As for the original Oreo, with its impeccable chocolate twin disks and filling that works in tandem, it could not be more whole. They go together like bread and butter, like yin and yang, like Shark Boy and Lava Girl, like milk and cookies. 

When it comes to milk and cookies, the classic Oreo takes the cake. The milk glazes the chocolatey cookie with discrete sweetness, softening it and providing a perfect bite of Oreo. And the best part? The milk you get from dipping. The milk is now laced with the chocolate cookie crumbs, creating a glass of incredible chocolate milk. But the golden Oreo? Don’t get me started. Do you know what happens when you take the repulsing sugar of the golden Oreo and waterlog it with milk? You get a soggy, disgusting biscuit. The cookie, being stupidly sweet, paired with the sugar in milk, is a toothache-inducing suckerpunch of sweetness.

If you have ever been forced to try a golden Oreo, through peer pressure or otherwise, then I can only feel sorry for you. I must also tell you to get some better friends who prefer the honorable taste of classic Oreo.

Counterpoint: Golden Oreos are better than classic

There’s no greater pleasure on this earth than the sweet taste of a golden Oreo. If Oreos were a family, the golden Oreo would be the favorite child, and the classic Oreo would be the baby mom wishes she never had. Humanity invented the wheel so that, someday, they could invent the golden Oreo. 

The golden Oreo is superior to the classic Oreo on many fronts, one being cookie flavor. The crunchy little cookie of a golden Oreo that we all know and love is like no other; eating it is almost a sensual experience. The classic Oreo is too rich; it’s complete overkill. Anyone who enjoys the nauseatingly strong chocolate taste of the classic Oreo should have their feet encased in cement and thrown in the ocean. Just one bite of one of those obscenely rich classic Oreos gives me a tummy ache. Meanwhile, the flavor of the golden Oreo is understated, yet tasty enough that I could eat about six packages without breaking a sweat. 

While the cookie is the main attraction, the ensemble wouldn’t be complete without the filling. The filling is the best part of an Oreo. It turns what would otherwise be a standard cookie into a scrumptious little treat deserving of nothing but praise. That said, classic Oreos just don’t do their filling justice. I’d sooner eat Spaghetti-Os off my dead grandmother’s fine china than eat the filling out of a classic Oreo. On the other hand, golden Oreos’ vanilla cookies pair perfectly with their filling, locking together in the perfect tango like a pair of newlyweds on their first dance. Meanwhile, the overbearing, foul chocolate taste of a classic Oreo does nothing but drown it out. It should be illegal to spoil filling on classic Oreos; it’s like pouring a $200 bottle of champagne down the drain or letting a gifted child become a business major – just a complete waste. It breaks my heart that so much filling is squandered on classic Oreos. 

Another important criterion to assess the quality of an Oreo is how well it pairs with milk. Unsurprisingly, the classic Oreo is no match for the golden Oreo here. Any of the classic Oreo’s redeemable qualities (which are virtually nonexistent) are overshadowed by how nasty and bloated it becomes when doused in milk, like a corpse that’s just been pulled out of a river. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. I’d rather wash my face with a cheese grater than eat a classic Oreo dipped in milk. Thankfully, the golden Oreo’s quality doesn’t deteriorate when dunked in milk. In fact, it improves. As if you needed another reason to love the golden Oreo, it maintains its delightful taste no matter how much milk you dip it in. You could waterboard a golden Oreo with milk, and its flavor wouldn’t go anywhere. 

Well, there we have it folks; the golden Oreo is perfect, worth dying for, and the classic Oreo is downright repulsive, like a toddler with mysteriously sticky hands or a man with a ponytail. There’s nothing you, my co-author, or anyone else can do about the fact that golden Oreos reign supreme. They’re simply the best, and that’s final.