On such a special day, you’ve got to go on a date with someone who’s special to you, and who knows you better than your pet? The bond you have with little Mittens compares to no other. You really get each other. Does anyone else in your life wake you up every day by sitting on your stomach and slowly sinking their loving claws into you? Mittens would love to watch the fish in the water under a swan boat, and afterwards you could get a freshly caught salmon dinner for you both to devour, with a side of milk of course.

When you’re out of romantic advice for yourself, why not share your brilliant wisdom with your friends? After all, you’re the true expert on Valentine’s Day! Whether your suggestions are heartfelt or totally outlandish, there’s no doubt that they’ll get a kick out of hearing it. Tell them to take their dates to middle school square dances or to your younger brother’s Dungeons & Dragons session — or maybe something more adventurous, like skydiving on the moon or swimming with sharks! Suggest pick-up lines so cheesy that they might make all of your friends single next Valentine’s Day. Who knows — maybe some of your friends really do need romantic advice this holiday!

You’ve officially hit romantic rock bottom. But…what if you could be the love of your own life? You can do this in three simple and quick steps. 1) Write yourself a love letter. Pour your lonely little heart into a paper from the back of your math notebook, then seal it up and address it to yourself. 2) Hide the letter. You shouldn’t be able to find it until 20-30 years from now, when your memory of it has completely left your love-ridden brain. There are so many ways you could hide it; you could put it in a remote lock box, with the key hidden at the end of a string of clues and treasure maps, or it could go to the bottom of the drawer you never open. Either way, it’ll probably take you a couple of decades to find it. 3) Rediscover the letter. Be it stuck to the bottom of that old dresser, or hidden at the end of an Indiana-Jones-esque adventure, you’ll find it one day. Woah, what is this, a love letter with your name on it, with no signature? This is completely useless! At least you can go to bed knowing that someone out there loves you, a worthy reward for all of the cleaning and/or adventuring you did.

Oh well. Sometimes, there’s nothing else you can do on Valentine’s Day. Everyone you know is following your amazing romantic advice and spending Valentine’s Day out, and even your cat just wants to stay friends. There must be something you can do on this special day. Sabotage your friends’ relationships so that they can commiserate about being single with you? Tell shockingly fake stories about your love life until everyone is jealous of you? Of course, nothing beats the tried-and-true practice of eating chocolate truffles from the box, watching the top 10 cheesiest rom-coms and crying into your pillow. Treat yourself to all the classic Valentine’s Day candy! Annoy your cat so much with your lovelorn sobbing that he won’t even want to be your friend! While this suggestion may seem bleak, don’t lose hope: next year will be your year!