As the semester draws to a close, students are scrambling to salvage their grades before the final buzzer goes off. Like rats on a sinking ship, students are desperately searching for ways to escape the mess they’ve gotten themselves into. To assist our dear Vikings in avoiding the consequences of their actions, we here at Cheeky have put together a handy list of life hacks to help them pass their classes and save their…butts.
Life hack #1: Freak out
Oh, heavens, what have you gotten yourself into? This is bad. This is really bad. It was the first day of school a mere five months ago, and now it’s the end of the semester? This can’t be…you simply didn’t have time to do your work; no wonder you’re nearing the end of the semester with 50 missing assignments piling up at your gate. At this point, the only reasonable course of action is to have a nervous breakdown. Cry, scream, foam at the mouth — we don’t care; you’re free to express your mental agony in whatever way suits you best. Have fun with that.
Life hack #2: Have a medical crisis
If you need to buy yourself some time to sort out your grades before the end of the semester, just contract an illness serious enough to avoid school for a few weeks or even months. This is the academic equivalent of breaking your own leg to dodge the draft. Double points if you contract something contagious; then, all your friends will get to skip school too! If you’re looking for an easy way to get yourself sick, try getting within two feet of any freshman and you’re sure to get fleas.
Life hack #3: Lie
Did you fail a test? No, you didn’t. If you’re looking for a way to shirk responsibility for your academic shortcomings, just lie to your teachers and say they never happened. There’s no shame in telling a teenie-weenie little fib or two to claw your way out of the hole you’ve dug yourself. Teachers don’t get paid enough to interrogate you, so you can probably get away with telling them you actually did turn in that essay that was due a month ago, and they just lost it.
Life hack #4: Commit academic dishonesty
Did you fail a test? No, you didn’t. If you’re looking for a way to shirk responsibility for your academic shortcomings, just lie to your teachers and say they never happened. There’s no shame in telling a teenie-weenie little fib or two to claw your way out of the hole you’ve dug yourself. Teachers don’t get paid enough to interrogate you, so you can probably get away with telling them you actually did turn in that essay that was due a month ago, and they just lost it.
Life hack #5: Hit the road
Hey, there’s no shame in running away. Instead of putting yourself through the humiliating process of trying to rescue your grades this late in the game, why don’t you just skip town? Dye your hair, change your name and move to Wyoming, where stars are born. If that doesn’t suit your fancy, just pack your most prized possessions into a bindle and train hop your way to the other side of the country. It doesn’t matter where you go, as long as you put some distance between yourself and your report card.
Disclaimer: Listen kid, none of these tips are actually gonna work. It’s not our fault your GPA is in the negatives. You’ve just got to find some other way to sort your grades out without our help.
