This school is filled to the brim with hot gossip, so we here at cheeky set up an anonymous confession box in the library where students can write their deepest darkest secrets on slips of paper and drop them in there for us to read. 

Confession #1: I have a big fat crush on the Viking mural in the gym.

I know what you’re thinking, “Ew: this girl has a crush on the tacky, somewhat terrifying, airbrushed mural of our school mascot in the gym? What a weirdo!” But hear me out. There’s just something about those eyes, those sweet, kind — dare I say sexy — eyes of his that I just can’t stop thinking about. I look forward to assemblies because they give me a chance to gaze into those baby blues of his. Even though he’s literally a painting and not at all sentient, I know we’ll find a way to be together. 

Confession #2: I’m the one who’s been pouring milk into the urinals.

We all have our hobbies. Some people like to read or garden, but me personally, I like to waste food and ruin everyone’s day by pouring cartons upon cartons of milk from the school cafeteria into the urinals for a quick giggle. I know everyone hates it, but I don’t care. I’m gonna keep milk-bombing those urinals, and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

Confession #3 I actually eat the raisins from the cafeteria.

You know how it is; those lunch ladies practically shove those boxes of raisins into your hand. I used to just throw them away like everyone else, but one day I decided to try them, and my life hasn’t been the same since. My entire diet has been replaced with cafeteria raisins. They’re all I eat. I see stars when I stand up, and my doctor says I’m malnourished, but I’m pretty sure those raisins are giving me all the nutrition I need, and then some. I know nobody else at this stupid raisin-hating school will ever understand why those little boxes of dried grapes are God’s greatest gift to man, but that just means more for me. 

Confession #4: I like the fact that our campus is outdoors.

I’m sick of the complaining. Oh, wah wah, “It’s 30 degrees out, and I hate that we have to walk to our classes outside,” “My water bottle froze over,” “I can’t feel my fingers.” You guys are all a bunch of babies who are too afraid of a little chill down your spine to realize our scenic and not-at-all-inconvenient outdoor campus is an utter delight. Sometimes I come on the weekends just to enjoy that cool breeze that only this school’s impeccably designed campus can provide. I swear, if I ever meet the architect that built this glorious school, I’m putting a ring on it. 

Disclaimer: None of these confessions are real, so don’t go thinking any of them are models of acceptable behavior. Even if they were real, they’d be confessions for a reason. All of the imaginary people we made up in these confessions are total grade-A weirdos, and you shouldn’t try to be like them.