Your star sign influences your exam performance more than studying.

Written in the stars

Mya Vo (she/her) and Mia Duffy (she/her)

May 18, 2023

Exam season probably has you feeling like you have no control over your life. To help you trick yourself into thinking you actually have your life together, we’ve slapped together a horoscope chart to give you some very legitimate insight into who you are and what you want. Cheeky has existed since the stars were born, playing connect-the-dots with a broken crayon to make constellations. We’ll chart your destiny to help you cope with the inevitable tidal wave of exams by generously sharing study tips and how to (eventually) accept what is written in the stars.

Aries: March 21 – April 19

Traits: Impatient, intolerant, dictatorial

You’re a natural-born leader, Aries! So why not use those skills to boss your friends around during study sessions? Remember, the best way to learn is to teach, and what better way to teach than by barking orders at your friends?

After the exams, you will rally your ~~minions~~ friends and have them worship your accomplishments and celebrate the kindness you bestowed upon them when you bossed them around.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Traits: Bull-headed, lethargic, grudgy

You don’t need to study; you’ve already learned all of the material throughout the year. If exams don’t go well, it’s not your fault! All of your exams will go perfectly without any difficulty anyway.

After the exams, you will take a nice, short 72-hour nap. Maybe it will cure your propensity for holding grudges over the smallest things, like when your worst enemy in second grade got to be the official class pencil sharpener and you didn’t.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

Traits: moody, dramatic, impulsive

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

Traits: emotional, insecure, indirect

Cancer, some consider you a nurturing soul or an empath, or maybe just plain histrionic. Take on the burden of other people’s emotions by acting as an unqualified therapist while ignoring your own problems.

After the exams, buy out the remaining tissue stock at your local retail stores. You probably didn’t do that badly, but nothing helps you cope with the burden of life like ice cream and crying.

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

Traits: confidence, self-centered, drama-adoring

Confidence (borderline arrogance) is your best trait. Help instill this in others by generously boasting about how well you’ll do. Nothing makes people feel more reassured than hearing you humble-brag.

After the exams, you will make your classmates grimace grin as you proudly share the fact that you broke the grading curve of your class. Go buy yourself a trophy and everyone else a participation ribbon, because you believe in inclusivity, chuckling heartily as you hand them out.

Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Traits: fastidious, perfectionist, critical

Virgo, to satisfy your eye for detail, make sure to spend all your time making your notes beautiful but not actually studying them. There’s nothing like admiring your color-coded notes made from your expensive stationary while not processing anything you wrote.

After the exams, your perfectionist nature will make you become overtly critical towards yourself. There’s no better advice to take than from your inner saboteur; make sure to feed the negative voices.

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Traits: balance, conflict avoider, frank

Libra, you’re always seeking ways to maintain the perfect work-life balance. Throw this all out the window and tip the scales in favor of picking up random hobbies like artisanal cheese carving to throw your schedule out of whack and enrich your resume while you avoid studying.

After the exams, seek your inner peace by backpacking in a foreign country and getting lost. You’ll realize that seeking peace probably isn’t more important than your safety.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Traits: secretive, vindictive, paranoid

You’re a private person who prefers to keep things — exciting or not — to yourself. Keep all your plans classified — from your study locations to your snack choices — in order to ensure you have the best luck for your exams.

After the exams, covertly stake out your favorite places to celebrate your successes by yourself. Surprise your classmates by popping up in random locations and not explaining how you got there.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Traits: spontaneous, too idealistic, fearful of commitment

You only do things when inspiration strikes; make sure to scatter your notes and school supplies everywhere so you will pick up your work when you feel inspired again. Who cares if this is a tripping hazard?

After the exams, knit sweaters for a turtle or go bungee jumping! Who cares? Going on a spontaneous adventure to reward yourself will also scratch your impulsive needs.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Traits: ambitious, stubborn, pessimistic

Capricorn, tackle your ambitions by outlining an impractical plan like studying for 25 hours a day to get your goals done. Even when your plans go awry, stick to them; this isn’t you being prideful, but instead following through.

After the exams and following a fall into a pit of pessimism, throw away all your plans in an attempt to be impulsive. Living a life not tied to constant plans will (maybe) help lower your stubbornness (you’ll just become stubborn about not being stubborn).

Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Traits: philosophical, temperamental, independent

Your philosophical nature makes you ask deep questions. Why don’t you ponder the meaning of life while avoiding reviewing homework? Contemplate ‘To what extent is your chance of passing?’ rather than actually studying.

After the exams, rely on your independent nature to detach yourself from the world and reality. There’s nothing like continuing to ignore your real-life problems to help you develop your deep philosophical nature.

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

Traits: imaginative, sensitive, ill-disciplined

Pisces, handling the stress of upcoming exams is difficult, especially when you are such a deep and sensitive artist. Harness your imaginative nature to create an abstract art piece that will inspire your fellow classmates. Their confused admiring stares will boost your ego and inspire new art.

After the exams, gather your exam papers and burn them in a cathartic bonfire. Destruction is also an act of creation.

Cheeky can’t promise that any of these predictions will come true. It’s a better bet to actually study and not hope that you can absorb the past year of information via osmosis from your doodled-on notes and study guides (trust us, we’ve tried).

About the Contributors

Mya Vo (she/her), Design Editor

Senior Mya Vo is a reporter for Nordic News during the 2022-2023 school year. Her goal this year for Nordic is to learn more about writing articles and to help out the Nordic team. Outside of school, she enjoys reading fiction books, watching cooking shows, and staying home to relax.

Mia Duffy (she/her), Reporter

Senior Mia Duffy is a reporter for Nordic News during the 2022-2023 school year. Her goal for Nordic this year is to delve into a new world of creativity through journalism. She also looks forward to improving her writing skills and contributing illustrations to the paper. After school hours, Mia is the event planner for the art club, spends time with her family, and annoys her cat. At weekends she can be found at the library with a stack of books (of which, she will only read half).