Think you know your teachers? Think again! After hearing some gossip around the halls, the investigative journalists at Nordic News decided to do some sleuthing, finding juicy secrets about some of your favorite teachers. Let this be a reminder to all that every mystery can be solved, even if that mystery doesn’t necessarily need to, or shouldn’t, be. Every report listed here describes one of the teachers roaming our halls – try matching each report to the correct teacher!
Clue #1
This teacher was seen in their office sobbing and guzzling down trail mix after yelling, “Pipe down” to a group of freshmen. When approached and asked why they were crying, they responded that they were paranoid they would get in trouble with the admin. The details of what happened are still unclear because the teacher’s speech was slightly indecipherable due to the disgusting amount of granola they were stuffing in their mouth.
Clue #2
After raiding the VtudentSue files of a certain teacher, we noticed a pattern in their grading habits. Or rather, a lack thereof. This teacher seems to grade all over the chart regardless of the work turned in. Two anonymous students confessed that they copied each other’s work and still got vastly different grades (it is worth noting that one of the students is a vocal hater of bagels, while the other isn’t — biases against foods may be playing a role). Upon further investigation, we planted one of our many affiliates to conduct an experiment with said teacher. Using a project that got an A from the previous year, we had our agent say “literally” and “no cap” throughout the presentation. A few days later, the results came in and the teacher gave our reporter an F when the material should’ve gotten the reporter an A (note that we aren’t biased). More experiments will be conducted in order to gather more sufficient evidence. But with the evidence that we have now, this teacher seems to be grading based on student vibes.
Clue #3
This teacher is famous on the popular social media app TokTik, where they mock specific archetypes of students and upload niche food reviews. This teacher has been observed in class telling students to, “get off your dang phone” only when students are browsing the aforementioned app, seemingly as if trying to hide their identity from their students… Luckily, we were able to sneak into the teacher’s office and set up a hidden camera. In a span of a week, we counted a total of 45 hours of footage consisting of the teacher eating foreign snacks and doing silly dances in front of their phone.
Clue #4
After digging a six-foot hole (the purpose of this hole is confidential) on campus, we discovered a network of tunnels spanning across the school. The tunnels are about ten feet in diameter and are covered with portraits of this teacher dressed as different authoritarian rulers, notably Benito Mussolini and Joseph Stalin. Where these tunnels lead are still being investigated, but evidence indicates that most of them lead to the staff lounge and the fancy teacher bathrooms.
Clue #5
Oddly enough, we’ve yet to encounter a review of this teacher that isn’t overwhelmingly positive. It wasn’t until we sent in our specialized code-breaking pixies to get past the teacher’s 17 wards of illusion, that we discovered that this teacher doesn’t even know English. Instead, they speak in an odd mixture of Pig Latin and Old Norse and write in the still-undeciphered Linear A script. Though this teacher would certainly be useful in ancient language restoration efforts, they seem content in continuing to teach their classes badly, ruining future generations and fooling students into believing that “definitely” is pronounced de-fine-ate-ly.
Answer key:
- Allison Marín (P.E.) cries after yelling at students
- Vlad Bishops (AP History) tunnel network
- Salem Haricot-Vert (Pre-IB English) doesn’t know the language
- Homer George (Art) grades based on vibes
- Joni Shiratori (Theatre) famous TokTik account
Disclaimer: Cheeky is not staying up to date on, or following any journalistic rules of integrity or ethics. We understand that we are nothing like Woodward and Bernstein, and this article does, in fact, reflect this. As such, Cheeky is not responsible for any mockery teachers may face from students in response to this article, as well as the subsequent termination of their jobs. In our opinion, all press is good press.
